Only word is NO!!!!
  For All Those Parents of Beasts and Super Beasts….....
(19-36 months)

Have you ever wondered why kids use the word “No” so often as they near the age of two?  As a parent…it can drive you crazy when your toddler begins to “back talk.” 

According to Early Childhood Education specialist, Karen M. Carlson, M.Ed., this negative behavior is a “normal part of a child’s development and it signals the transition from babyhood to childhood.”  The frequent response of “No!” to many requests or suggestions is the toddler expressing his or herself and checking out how it felt to make his or her own decisions.  And similar to the behavior that teens show…part of the discovery of independence is challenging the adult figures in his or her life.

 

“Remember that your child's struggle to assert herself is a necessary stage of development.”

Although it feels like defiance when the child makes impatient demands, tries to dominate his parents, and says “no” even to things he wants to do, this stage is crucial.  “The child is learning the distinction between his own will and the intentions and will of others, notably his parents. This rocky road is an important one that leads the young child to autonomous ‘self-hood’.” Remember that the parent is not the cause of the child's negativism.  After all, don’t we want kids to grow up with the ability to think for themselves and follow their own ideas?  And saying “no” may help to keep them away from drugs, alcohol or other kinds of trouble in years to come.  As said by Marsha Hawley, family life educator with University of Illinois Extension, we have to also “teach (kids) to consider the needs of others, to mind parents about important things, and to say no in acceptable ways.” 

What Can Be Done?

“It's not hard to understand why saying “no” is so popular with young children. After all, they've been hearing their parents use this word with them for most of their young lives!” (Carlson) One way to assist in curbing the contradictory behavior that happens at this age is to limit the frequency that you use the word “no” with that child. Of course there are situations that a quick “no” from across the way is an easier way of diverting an unwanted behavior or activity. However, when possible it is “wise to explain to him what you are doing and why you are doing it, even though he may be too young to understand.” (Carlson)

 

The following are techniques parents and other adults can use when a child is acting in a negative fashion: (suggested by Karen Carlson and Marsha Hawley)

• Make sure the child is getting enough sleep and eating healthy snacks.  The negative behavior gets worse when the toddler is tired or hungry.

• Give a child time to adjust to new situations at his or her pace.  It is also important that he only has one change to deal with at a time.  

• Offer the child a choice of limited options: “Do you want a cheese sandwich or a peanut butter sandwich for lunch today?” rather than “What do you want for lunch today?”

• Use as few commands as possible, and insist on obedience only when absolutely necessary. Encourage your child to make his own decisions in matters of lesser importance.

• Emphasize the positive. “We will have a treat later” works much better than “You cannot have a cookie now.” Or try “Let’s put the blocks on the shelf” instead of “Put your toys away.”

• Tell the child what to do instead of what not to do.  Say and show hot to “Touch the kitty softly” instead of just saying “Don’t poke the kitty.”

• Pay special attention to instances of cooperative behavior. (Yes, there will be some!) Commend your child when they occur.

• Invite your child's cooperation. Instead of telling her what to do, ask her for a favor: “Will you please not talk to me while I am talking to Grandma on the telephone?”

• As your child acquires more verbal and motor skills, his “nos” will decrease.  Teach your child words to express his feelings and/or tell you what he wants.

• Be consistent.  A child will be confused if you make her pick up toys one day but not the next.

   Sources:

“When All You Hear is ‘No!’”by Marsha Hawley. University of Illinois Extension, Dealing with Toddlers. http://www.urbanext.uiuc.edu/toddlers/toddlers3.html

“Why is His Only Word ‘No!’” by Karen M. Carlson, M.Ed.  Questions About Kids, Center for Early Education and Development, 2004.